TalkAwhile - The Folk Corporation Forum

John B, a robust and seemingly healthy middle-aged man came to see me the other day.  He described in great detail how he had been buried alive, kneecapped and tortured.  Despite his absolute conviction that three men from the west were responsible, he showed no signs of injury.  I diagnosed a form of paranoia - no doubt related to his recreational drug use.

I fancy some of that! Have you got his phone number, Katy's Mum?

A chap's just handed himself to my subordinates wanting to confess to a murder.

At the scene was a bleddy great big black bird of some description - too dark to tell what make or model - that he had shot.  He claimed it was his fiancee.   I told the Peelers to book him for wasting police time and to take his wacky baccie with him!  Recreational drug users, eh!

That's the stuff!

A member of the House of Lords has been apprehended after the bodies of his wife and servant were found in a shallow grave near his home. The discovery was made after the (not named for legal reasons) nobleman was found to have been "hurt sore" during a routine check up by his physician.

Another servant, who was standing by, was later admitted to hospital with suspected Weil's Disease, after apparently swimming across the broad mill stream. His shoes were found near the scene.

After meeting  Dr Monk that night   her ability to map read  was mysteriously  gone  --stating  to her father that she could not find Maidenhead  .  
Everyone knows it`s just off the M4 between Slough and Reading .  [;-)

she thought the gentleman was coming to stay, for he unpacked his trunk  :o

The coastguard were called to an incident some miles off the Scottish coast where reports claim local landowner and amateur sailor Sir Patrick Spens' ship has gone down with all hands. The water, some 40 fathoms deep at that point, is notoriously difficult to navigate and the met office reports a deadly storm at the time the ship was lost.

Cavalier field dressing station, Cropredy Bridge, 1644:

"Busy with the usual heavily bleeding pike wounds, cloven heads and lopped off limbs.

And this damn, peasant, Timms he calls himself, whinges on about a cut hand...."

A pregnant single woman is playing silly beggars with the Child Support Agency and DSS.

In her application for benefits, when asked to supply details of the father, she has written:

'An Elfin Grey.'

Yeah, right.  ::)

14th May, Dawn. Country sports enthusiast reported to surgery complaining of erectile disfunction. Ramrod limp; bullets all gone.

15 May: young woman asking for morning after pill.

Dash it all Peter, I've been trying to post that for the last 5 minutes but Talkawhile kept crashing.

GRRRRRRR!  ;D ::) :-X

(Although I was going to say that the sports enthusiast was requesting a prescription for Viagra.) ;D

I went the doctor the other day and she said "You're a hypochondriac". "Oh god" I said, "Not that as well!"

Doctor help me please .-
 I fancy my  best mates girlfriend   the lust is killing me . How long should I wait  before I  decide  whether to go after  her  and upset my best mate or not . I`m very confused and its doing my head in . . [;-)

"girl of my best friend" by elvis?

Time Will Show the Wiser

Correction to Yesterday's report on the Samaritans Annual General Meeting!

I said that the attendees were to meet on the ledge, when I should have said

121a Lavender Sweep,
Battersea
London
Sw11

Apologies for any offence caused.  My P.A. is a right P.A. and a recreational drug user.

Doctor's Notebook. Today referred patient for psychiatric investigation after he claimed he had seen 10,000 people drowning at the same time. He was shivering, so I asked him why he'd taken his hat off, and he said it was to keep his head warm. The clincher was his claim that he'd seen a stark naked drummer outside. I pointed out it was nearly thirty year's since Keith Moon died.

Chap from mayfair in the surgery this morning with terrible stomach ache.
He'd apparently eaten eggs and bacon that had gone off.

Doctor's Diary:

Tuesday October 16th 2007

My first case this morning was an odd one. A very large gentleman called William enetred my surgery clearly in distress and with problems in the seating area. On examination I discovered something had been inserted with force into what I can only describe as the place "a monkey sticks his nuts". It appeared William had engaged in a somewhat vioolent argument with a man called Joseph who, when William suggested he "stick it where a monkey sticks his nuts" did exactly that.

Dr Jackdaw

Police today were commenting on an attempted armed robbery. The suspect, a Mr Adie (age 21) has unfortunately died from chest wounds.

A spokesman for the police, Sergeant Mcrae said the suspect was a well known local villain who had a history of robbing offences.

His glamorous red haired fiancée Molly declined to comment as she left the hospital on a vintage black motorbike.

Several distressing cases today.

1. A vagrant with gallstones.
2. A bloke from the bird of prey display centre with some broken bones.
3. A chap called William with just about everything. Very, very pale.

Prescribed bed rest.

A particulally ill-looking man came to me today. His name was Henry. I asked him about what had been going on. Lots of vomitting etc. I asked him about his diet. He told me that he had been eating lots of eels lately - well at least he thought they were eels.

Man suffering from rickets and general vitamin C deficiency: apparently living off a diet of kippers and cider.

A Doctor writes...

Was able to restore her to full health by putting her head where her feet were before (to the accompaniment of descending triplets).  Advised her in future to confer with her Mother rather than her Father on such matters.

This evening's surgery was suddenly interrupted by the arrival of the London coach and a young man suffering from hypothermia.  What did he expect, roaming the countryside wearing nothing but a leaf?  I advised him, in future, to refrain from brandishing his pistol (:o) along the banks of the Avon.