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Jan_
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« on: October 14, 2007, 09:08:20 PM » |
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John B, a robust and seemingly healthy middle-aged man came to see me the other day. He described in great detail how he had been buried alive, kneecapped and tortured. Despite his absolute conviction that three men from the west were responsible, he showed no signs of injury. I diagnosed a form of paranoia - no doubt related to his recreational drug use.
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Cocker Freeman
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« Reply #1 on: October 15, 2007, 12:08:58 AM » |
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I fancy some of that! Have you got his phone number, Katy's Mum?
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Sir Robert Peel
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« Reply #2 on: October 15, 2007, 12:16:53 AM » |
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A chap's just handed himself to my subordinates wanting to confess to a murder.
At the scene was a bleddy great big black bird of some description - too dark to tell what make or model - that he had shot. He claimed it was his fiancee. I told the Peelers to book him for wasting police time and to take his wacky baccie with him! Recreational drug users, eh!
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Cocker Freeman
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« Reply #3 on: October 15, 2007, 12:37:46 AM » |
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That's the stuff!
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PLW (Peter)
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« Reply #4 on: October 15, 2007, 09:16:10 AM » |
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A member of the House of Lords has been apprehended after the bodies of his wife and servant were found in a shallow grave near his home. The discovery was made after the (not named for legal reasons) nobleman was found to have been "hurt sore" during a routine check up by his physician.
Another servant, who was standing by, was later admitted to hospital with suspected Weil's Disease, after apparently swimming across the broad mill stream. His shoes were found near the scene.
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Pastieboy (Trev)
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« Reply #5 on: October 15, 2007, 03:01:56 PM » |
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After meeting Dr Monk that night her ability to map read was mysteriously gone --stating to her father that she could not find Maidenhead . Everyone knows it`s just off the M4 between Slough and Reading .  |
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You are what you eat !!!
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fat Billy(Bill)
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« Reply #6 on: October 15, 2007, 03:10:38 PM » |
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After meeting Dr Monk that night her ability to map read was mysteriously gone --stating to her father that she could not find Maidenhead . Everyone knows it`s just off the M4 between Slough and Reading . she thought the gentleman was coming to stay, for he unpacked his trunk  |
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David W
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« Reply #7 on: October 15, 2007, 03:25:11 PM » |
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The coastguard were called to an incident some miles off the Scottish coast where reports claim local landowner and amateur sailor Sir Patrick Spens' ship has gone down with all hands. The water, some 40 fathoms deep at that point, is notoriously difficult to navigate and the met office reports a deadly storm at the time the ship was lost.
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RichardH
Full Member
 Offline
Posts: 97
Loc: London N19
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« Reply #8 on: October 15, 2007, 05:34:12 PM » |
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Cavalier field dressing station, Cropredy Bridge, 1644:
"Busy with the usual heavily bleeding pike wounds, cloven heads and lopped off limbs.
And this damn, peasant, Timms he calls himself, whinges on about a cut hand...."
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Sir Robert Peel
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« Reply #9 on: October 15, 2007, 05:53:26 PM » |
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A pregnant single woman is playing silly beggars with the Child Support Agency and DSS. In her application for benefits, when asked to supply details of the father, she has written: 'An Elfin Grey.' Yeah, right.  |
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PLW (Peter)
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« Reply #10 on: October 15, 2007, 06:58:54 PM » |
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14th May, Dawn. Country sports enthusiast reported to surgery complaining of erectile disfunction. Ramrod limp; bullets all gone.
15 May: young woman asking for morning after pill.
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gower flower (Shirl)
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« Reply #11 on: October 15, 2007, 07:02:21 PM » |
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Dash it all Peter, I've been trying to post that for the last 5 minutes but Talkawhile kept crashing. GRRRRRRR!   (Although I was going to say that the sports enthusiast was requesting a prescription for Viagra.) |
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That's not dirt, it's patination!
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Shane (Skirky)
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« Reply #12 on: October 15, 2007, 07:05:39 PM » |
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I went the doctor the other day and she said "You're a hypochondriac". "Oh god" I said, "Not that as well!"
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Everyone's from somewhere, baby - might as well be here.
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Pastieboy (Trev)
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« Reply #13 on: October 15, 2007, 07:15:48 PM » |
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Doctor help me please .- I fancy my best mates girlfriend the lust is killing me . How long should I wait before I decide whether to go after her and upset my best mate or not . I`m very confused and its doing my head in . . |
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You are what you eat !!!
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Jim
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« Reply #14 on: October 15, 2007, 09:23:32 PM » |
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"girl of my best friend" by elvis?
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The Dude abides
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Ollie
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« Reply #15 on: October 15, 2007, 09:31:08 PM » |
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"girl of my best friend" by elvis?
Time Will Show the Wiser |
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"Tradition must be respected, convention can be broken; but only when you know which is which."
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Sir Robert Peel
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« Reply #16 on: October 15, 2007, 09:52:58 PM » |
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Correction to Yesterday's report on the Samaritans Annual General Meeting!
I said that the attendees were to meet on the ledge, when I should have said
121a Lavender Sweep,
Battersea
London
Sw11
Apologies for any offence caused. My P.A. is a right P.A. and a recreational drug user.
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PLW (Peter)
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« Reply #17 on: October 16, 2007, 09:18:18 AM » |
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Doctor's Notebook. Today referred patient for psychiatric investigation after he claimed he had seen 10,000 people drowning at the same time. He was shivering, so I asked him why he'd taken his hat off, and he said it was to keep his head warm. The clincher was his claim that he'd seen a stark naked drummer outside. I pointed out it was nearly thirty year's since Keith Moon died.
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Dr Monk
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« Reply #18 on: October 16, 2007, 09:20:30 AM » |
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Chap from mayfair in the surgery this morning with terrible stomach ache.
He'd apparently eaten eggs and bacon that had gone off.
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David W
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« Reply #19 on: October 16, 2007, 09:41:46 AM » |
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Doctor's Diary:
Tuesday October 16th 2007
My first case this morning was an odd one. A very large gentleman called William enetred my surgery clearly in distress and with problems in the seating area. On examination I discovered something had been inserted with force into what I can only describe as the place "a monkey sticks his nuts". It appeared William had engaged in a somewhat vioolent argument with a man called Joseph who, when William suggested he "stick it where a monkey sticks his nuts" did exactly that.
Dr Jackdaw
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